a tree once cut down (andyandmicaulyk) wrote,
a tree once cut down
andyandmicaulyk

There's something about the past while (and it seems what's left of the summer to come) that has brought up feelings of a certain kind. it has become apparent to me that in order for me to be free, i need to learn to be okay by myself--for several reasons. not just being okay with my inner self, or something like that, but being content with being alone. being okay with only being with myself.
it's become known that it's part of human nature to desire, especially within the realm of other people, and especially with romantic expectations. this has been raising questions both general and personal, recently, which has presented me with a certain turmoil and embarrassment. "what's so wrong with being alone?"  "i couldn't tell you, but it is bothering me."  i don't really know what this means/says about me, but for a long time i've felt a certain need to defy human nature on this subject. i've always felt it was foolish to find troubles in these things, though i still found them. maybe what i'm trying to achieve is impossible, or maybe i'm not sure what it is i want to achieve, but i certainly don't want to use the excuse that something is just "human nature". being human is one thing, but subsiding to what has been assumed of us is something that should be able to be opposed. but whatever it is that made whatever that is, made it pretty damn hard to get over.
stress is stupid. i don't get there very often, and there's a reason for that. and there's a reason why i don't like arriving there. and when something that is apparently what humans are supposed to do causes such a presence, it seems stupid to me.
i barely know what to do about anything, and this is no different. certain things seem to empty out decent feelings, and i suppose this is something that needs to be avoided, but finding a solution for something like that comes off as pretty implausible. and this is how it goes: everything's too hard. so, the final achievement is to gladly say "hello emptiness."
 
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